Petit a petit

Un nouveau cycle est enclenché.

Je trie mes armoires, je jette, je donne, je m'allège. et je me sens tellement mieux.
Plus légère.

Par quoi commencer ?
Quoi garder ? quoi jeter ? quoi donner ?

Parfois on s'est laissé déborder, on accumulé depuis tellement de temps, qu'il y en a partout, de tout. qu'on ne sait pas par ou commencer. que la tache semble si insurmontable qu'on est tétanisé, qu'on n'arrive pas a se lancer. et donc qu'on abandonne avant même d'avoir commencé.

"petit a petit"
C'est la technique du petit a petit qui marche le mieux pour moi.
La maison ne s'est pas encombrée en 1 jour, elle ne sera pas désencombrée en 1 jour non plus. J'avance par petites touches.
Je désengorge petit a petit. Soit un bout d'une armoire. Soit le dessus du bureau dans le salon. soit un tiroir du meuble de la salle de bain.
Et surtout je veille a entretenir, a capitaliser le désencombrement obtenu si petit soit-il. sinon, ce n'est qu'un éternel recommencement, épuisant, inutile.

Une chose a la fois.
Chaque chose doit trouver sa place, et la garder.
Chaque chose a sa place.

J'y consacre seulement des tranches de temps de 15 a 20 minutes (plus si je sens que je peux).

Ce sont de nouvelles habitudes. Il va falloir être persistante, persévérante pour qu'elles puissent s'installer durablement. Une nouvelle (bonne ou mauvaise) habitude nécessite environ 3 semaines (21 jours) pour être assimilée durablement (dans notre routine quotidienne et intégrée par notre cerveau).

Alors c'est parti pour 21 jours ! :)



Trop de choses.
Trop de choses a faire.
Trop de choses a penser.
Trop peu de temps.
Trop vite.
Trop loin.
Je suis épuisée.
Je coule.
Je suis perdue.
Je ferme les yeux.
Je respire.

Aller a l'essentiel.


How is your heart is doing ?

"I'm so busy", une petite phrase qui revient sans cesse dans mes pensées en ce moment. Et cette drôle d'impression que la vie ne cesse de s'accélérer, de se remplir au fil des années … mais pas nécessairement de ce qui nourrit mon coeur et mon âme, mais plutôt avec toutes ces choses a faire, que ce soit au boulot, a la maison, pour les enfants … sans plus trouver le temps de me connecter réellement a ceux qui me sont chers, même parfois ceux qui partagent le même toit que moi, ni même a moi-même.  Et je pense que si quelqu'un prenait vraiment la peine de savoir ce que je ressens en ce moment, j'aurais du mal a retenir mes larmes. Mêlées de gratitude et de tristesse.

I saw a dear friend a few days ago. I stopped by to ask her how she was doing, how her family was. She looked up, voice lowered, and just whimpered: “I’m so busy… I am so busy… have so much going on.”
Almost immediately after, I ran into another friend and asked him how he was. Again, same tone, same response: “I’m just so busy… got so much to do.”
The tone was exacerbated, tired, even overwhelmed.
And it’s not just adults. When we moved to North Carolina about ten years ago, we were thrilled to be moving to a city with a great school system. We found a diverse neighborhood, filled with families. Everything felt good, felt right.
After we settled in, we went to one of the friendly neighbors, asking if their daughter and our daughter could get together and play. The mother, a really lovely person, reached for her phone and pulled out the calendar function. She scrolled… and scrolled… and scrolled. She finally said: “She has a 45-minute opening two and half weeks from now. The rest of the time it’s gymnastics, piano, and voice lessons. She’s just…. so busy.”
Horribly destructive habits start early, really early.
How did we end up living like this? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we do this to our children? When did we forget that we are human beings, not human doings?
Whatever happened to a world in which kids get muddy, get dirty, get messy, and heavens, get bored? Do we have to love our children so much that we overschedule them, making them stressed and busy — just like us?
What happened to a world in which we can sit with the people we love so much and have slow conversations about the state of our heart and soul, conversations that slowly unfold, conversations with pregnant pauses and silences that we are in no rush to fill?
How did we create a world in which we have more and more and more to do with less time for leisure, less time for reflection, less time for community, less time to just… be?
Somewhere we read, “The unexamined life is not worth living… for a human.” How are we supposed to live, to examine, to be, to become, to be fully human when we are so busy?
This disease of being “busy” (and let’s call it what it is, the dis-ease of being busy, when we are never at ease) is spiritually destructive to our health and wellbeing. It saps our ability to be fully present with those we love the most in our families, and keeps us from forming the kind of community that we all so desperately crave.
Since the 1950s, we have had so many new technological innovations that we thought (or were promised) would make our lives easier, faster, simpler. Yet, we have no more “free” or leisurely time today than we did decades ago.
For some of us, the “privileged” ones, the lines between work and home have become blurred. We are on our devices. All. The. Freaking. Time.
Smart phones and laptops mean that there is no division between the office and home. When the kids are in bed, we are back online.
One of my own daily struggles is the avalanche of email. I often refer to it as my jihad against email. I am constantly buried under hundreds and hundreds of emails, and I have absolutely no idea how to make it stop. I’ve tried different techniques: only responding in the evenings, not responding over weekends, asking people to schedule more face-to-face time. They keep on coming, in volumes that are unfathomable: personal emails, business emails, hybrid emails. And people expect a response — right now. I, too, it turns out… am so busy.
The reality looks very different for others. For many, working two jobs in low-paying sectors is the only way to keep the family afloat. Twenty percent of our children are living in poverty, and too many of our parents are working minimum wage jobs just to put a roof over their head and something resembling food on the table. We are so busy.
The old models, including that of a nuclear family with one parent working outside the home (if it ever existed), have passed away for most of us. We now have a majority of families being single families, or where both parents are working outside the home. It is not working.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
In many Muslim cultures, when you want to ask them how they’re doing, you ask: in Arabic, Kayf haal-ik? or, in Persian, Haal-e shomaa chetoreh? How is your haal?
What is this haal that you inquire about? It is the transient state of one’s heart. In reality, we ask, “How is your heart doing at this very moment, at this breath?” When I ask, “How are you?” that is really what I want to know.
I am not asking how many items are on your to-do list, nor asking how many items are in your inbox. I want to know how your heart is doing, at this very moment. Tell me. Tell me your heart is joyous, tell me your heart is aching, tell me your heart is sad, tell me your heart craves a human touch. Examine your own heart, explore your soul, and then tell me something about your heart and your soul.
Tell me you remember you are still a human being, not just a human doing. Tell me you’re more than just a machine, checking off items from your to-do list. Have that conversation, that glance, that touch. Be a healing conversation, one filled with grace and presence.
Put your hand on my arm, look me in the eye, and connect with me for one second. Tell me something about your heart, and awaken my heart. Help me remember that I too am a full and complete human being, a human being who also craves a human touch.
I teach at a university where many students pride themselves on the “study hard, party hard” lifestyle. This might be a reflection of many of our lifestyles and our busy-ness — that even our means of relaxation is itself a reflection of that same world of overstimulation. Our relaxation often takes the form of action-filled (yet mindless) films, or violent and face-paced sports.
I don’t have any magical solutions. All I know is that we are losing the ability to live a truly human life.
We need a different relationship to work, to technology. We know what we want: a meaningful life, a sense of community, a balanced existence. It’s not just about “leaning in” or faster iPhones. We want to be truly human.
“It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield.”
How exactly are we supposed to examine the dark corners of our soul when we are so busy? How are we supposed to live the examined life?
I am always a prisoner of hope, but I wonder if we are willing to have the structural conversation necessary about how to do that, how to live like that. Somehow we need a different model of organizing our lives, our societies, our families, our communities.
I want my kids to be dirty, messy, even bored — learning to become human. I want us to have a kind of existence where we can pause, look each other in the eye, touch one another, and inquire together: Here is how my heart is doing? I am taking the time to reflect on my own existence; I am in touch enough with my own heart and soul to know how I fare, and I know how to express the state of my heart.
How is the state of your heart today?
Let us insist on a type of human-to-human connection where when one of us responds by saying, “I am just so busy,” we can follow up by saying, “I know, love. We all are. But I want to know how your heart is doing.”



Mai 2013. Mon dernier post ici date de mai 2013.
Depuis, il y a eu Facebook, puis Instagram.
Alors pourquoi revenir aujourd'hui ?
Parce que j'ai envie d'autre chose. De revenir à un autre rythme. Moins frénétique.

Novembre. Un mois où je continue de me replier doucement sur moi-même.
Je me suis mise à créer de nouveau. Un petit peu. Avec toujours ma conception particulière de la  création qui ne peut se réaliser que sous contrainte. Ma contrainte à moi, c'est faire avec ce que j'ai ("use what you have").

Alors je découpe des emballages divers et variés pour réaliser des étiquettes, de petits carnets. Je me suis mise a rapporter des feuilles de papier du bureau : ces feuilles imprimées partiellement avec nos identifiants qui servent a séparer les impressions les unes des autres et qui finissent jetées.

Tout cela est surement dérisoire. Mais c'est ainsi que je me sens en phase avec moi-même.

Making tags out of cardboard from MacDonalds. Use what you have. 


La dalle

Au milieu du béton, des barreaux et des grillages,
Trouver quelques notes de couleur. 



Il occupe beaucoup mes pensées en ce moment.
Je m'inquiete. J'ai des doutes. Je ne sais que faire.
Je le sens si malheureux parfois. Il me dit, parfois (trop souvent ?), qu'il est nul, qu'on ne l'aime pas.
Et pourtant ...
Et il dit d'autres choses encore. Plus acerbes. Plus inquiétantes.
Il se sent seul. Il me dit qu'il n'a pas d'amis ici. Ses amis de Dublin lui manquent.
Oh mon petit coeur... 
Que te répondre ? Que faire pour que tu te sentes mieux ? Que tu regagnes confiance en toi ?

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